SILENCE!

So the other day my step mom comes into the room. I know, great right. The woman tells me she needs some help figuring out her new Drrroooooiiiiidd. Turns out she literally could not figure out how to put the dang thing on silent. Seriously? What century are you from? So, awarding myself most patient human in existence, I begin to explain. But no, she feels the need to tell me that, "I just couldn't figure it out and today I was in the doctors office with Alyssa and even she couldn't figure it out and it just kept going off and off and off ringing and ringing and ringing in the waiting room and people started staring and not only would it keep ringing but on the highest volume in the most annoying ring tone over and over and over again ringing ringing ringing over and over and over again ringing ringing ringing over and over and over again." And I said WOMAN STOP!!! For the loooooove lady!!!!!! If I could put you on silent, believe me I would teach you how to put your dang phone on silent. And you aint the only thing I want to put on silent. I wanna put your yapping dog on silent. I wanna put that country singer on silent. I wanna put the ticking clocks on silent, I can't handle the tick tick tick and can we talk about tick-tok, someone needs to put that Kee-sha, or is it Ke$ha, on silent. Who knows and who cares? Oh, Taylor Morse. I wanna put my alarm clock on silent. And I do! Which only makes me wanna put my teachers on silent when they say, "Late again? Typical." I wanna put my ceramics teacher on silent when she won't stop singing to the freaking sun. I wanna put my mom on silent when she feels the need to talk to me for three hours about how important it is not to litter on the beach, especially water bottles because they will flow into the ocean and diminish, thus releasing toxic chemicals which mess with the fish's hormones causing them to be confused as to which gender they are and I mean they literally "do not know what they are". I'd put Justin Bieber on silent soho fast, and Audrey Levin? Silence, cause I know you'll object to that. I wanna put the male gender on silent when they diss Gossip Girl, or screw it I wanna put them on silent anyway. And speaking of the holy Gossip Girl I wanna put the freaking Proactiv commercials on silent too, and don't forget Flo from Progressive, that's right Flo, silencio. I wanna put that obnoxious boy who thinks he's got swaaaaggg cause he drops F every other word on EFFING SILENT. I wanna put the girl who sits next to me in math class on silent because of the way she says "tuuuunnnaa" and how frequently she does so. I wanna call up Amanda Call and tell her to put her Facebook posts on silent. I wanna put my dad on silent because the only thing he talks about is the UCLA Bruins and that yapping dog which I STILL want to put on silent. All I freaking need is a little freaking silence every once in a freaking while so take your Droid to tech support woman, cause I've got other things to put on silent.